Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
