He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
