I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
