so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
