We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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