So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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