My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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