And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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