well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
