I wish they made helmets for livers.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
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I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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