her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
