I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
