I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
