i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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