The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
