Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
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It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
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You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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