just tell him i said nine months
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
