I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
