I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
