We're like a lot better than the average bears
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
