i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
