I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
