I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
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When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
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i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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