Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
