can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
