i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
