nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
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