dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
