Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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