My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
