a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
