I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
