I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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