I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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