Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You need Xanax blowdarts
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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