I'm drive I can fine osifer
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
