Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
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