I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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