dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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