I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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