You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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