Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
did i just pee glitter
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
