Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
