Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
