That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
