a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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