im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
