I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
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Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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