I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
