Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
