I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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