She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
