This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
