i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
