i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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