saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I did not marry a roomba.
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