Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
as a side note pls kill me
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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