my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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