Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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