he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
