You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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