i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
