just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
